Introduction

Have you ever tried giving someone feedback, only for them to snap back, shut down, or even deflect the blame? Defensiveness is something we’ve all encountered—perhaps even in ourselves. While it might seem like stubbornness or difficulty, defensiveness is actually rooted in shame and fear of vulnerability.

In this blog, we’ll unpack:

• Why defensiveness happens.
• How it shows up in relationships.
• Practical steps to navigate defensiveness in yourself or others.

By understanding this behavior, you can protect your relationships and approach these moments with empathy and clarity.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness isn’t about being mean or difficult—it’s about self-protection. When someone feels criticized or judged, their nervous system often perceives it as a threat. This can activate a fight, flight, or freeze response, with defensiveness being the “fight” reaction.

Dr. Gabor Maté explains that shame triggers stress responses similar to physical danger. When defensiveness kicks in, it’s the brain’s way of saying, “Protect yourself at all costs.” While this might feel safe in the moment, it often damages relationships over time.

Defensiveness shields us from discomfort, but it also blocks understanding and connection—key components of healthy relationships.

How Does Defensiveness Show Up?

Defensiveness can take many forms, but it often disguises itself as common behaviors. Here are some examples:

1. Snapping Back: Responding with anger or sarcasm to deflect criticism.
2. Deflecting Blame: Shifting accountability onto others, such as saying, “It’s not my fault—it’s yours!”
3. Stonewalling: Shutting down emotionally and refusing to engage in the conversation.
4. Over-Explaining: Justifying every action to avoid feeling ‘wrong.

These behaviors stem from feelings of exposure, inadequacy, or the fear of being judged. Defensiveness is shame’s way of saying, “I can’t let you see my weakness.”

Practical Tips for Navigating Defensiveness

Defensiveness can be frustrating, but it’s not insurmountable. Whether you’re dealing with it in yourself or someone else, here are three steps to navigate it effectively:

1. Stay Calm and Neutral

When someone is defensive, their brain is already in fight mode. Responding with criticism or anger will only escalate the situation. Instead:

• Stay composed: A calm tone can de-escalate tension.
• Reframe your language: For example, say, “I’m not blaming you—I just want to find a solution together.”

2. Pause and Reflect

If you notice defensiveness in yourself, take a moment to reflect on your emotions. Ask yourself:

• “What am I feeling right now?”
• “Is this reaction about the situation or something deeper?”

Naming the emotion—whether it’s fear, shame, or frustration—can help you diffuse the reaction and respond more thoughtfully.

3. Set Boundaries Without Blame

You’re not responsible for managing someone else’s defensiveness, but you can protect yourself with healthy boundaries. For example:

• “I’d like to have this conversation when we’re both ready to listen.”
• “I want to resolve this together, but I need us to approach it calmly.”

Setting boundaries protects your emotional well-being while keeping the relationship intact.

Defensiveness Isn’t About You

It’s important to remember that defensiveness is rarely about you—it’s about the other person’s relationship with shame and vulnerability. By approaching these situations with empathy and patience, you can diffuse tension without internalizing their reaction.

At the same time, it’s essential to prioritize your emotional health. Boundaries, self-reflection, and empathy are powerful tools for navigating defensiveness without compromising your well-being.

Conclusion

Defensiveness may feel frustrating, but it’s ultimately a form of self-protection rooted in shame and fear. By staying calm, setting boundaries, and reflecting on your own reactions, you can navigate these moments with care and clarity.

Understanding defensiveness is just the beginning. In the next blog, we’ll explore perfectionism—another way shame shows up in our lives. Stay tuned, and let’s continue rewriting the story that shame has told.

---

Your First Step: Permission to Pause

It all starts with giving yourself permission to pause.

Book a free 30-minute consultation today and start building a life that feels lighter, freer, and more aligned with who you truly are.

Schedule your session