When an Avoidant Loves You - Your Mind Story

This is not a personality quiz.

This is a map of how this dynamic may be showing up in your body and your nervous system.

Answer honestly. Not how you think you should feel. How you actually feel right now, today.

Woman Man

Part One, what is happening in your body

These seven questions explore how this dynamic may be showing up in your body and nervous system.

Question 1 The alarm in your body When he goes quiet, takes longer to reply, pulls back, or contact drops, what happens in your body?

Nothing much. I feel fine and carry on with my day. I notice some unease but I can redirect myself. I feel a physical jolt. A tightness. A low dread I cannot shake until I hear from him. My whole system goes into alert. I cannot function normally until I know he is still there.

Question 2 The checking How often do you check your phone, his social media, or anything else connected to him?

Rarely or never. I do not feel the pull. More than I would like, but I can redirect myself. Frequently throughout the day. It has become automatic. Constantly. I check before I have even decided to. It is like breathing.

Question 3 The self-blame When things go wrong, he pulls back, goes cold, or disappears, what do you tell yourself?

This is his pattern. It is not about me. I know it is not my fault, but I still find myself analysing what I said. I go over everything I did, looking for what I got wrong. Something is fundamentally broken in the way I love. I genuinely believe that.

Question 4 The pull When a relationship feels calm, consistent and drama-free, how does that feel in your body?

It feels like safety. That is exactly what I want. It feels good but something in me keeps waiting for it to go wrong. I want it but I do not trust it when I have it. Honestly it feels a bit flat. I need to feel something to know it is real.

Question 5 The knowing-doing gap "I know exactly what I need to do. I just cannot make myself do it." How true is this for you right now?

Not true. When I decide something, I follow through. Somewhat true. I struggle but I get there eventually. Very true. The gap between knowing and doing feels enormous. Completely true. Knowing makes no difference. My body does what it wants regardless.

Question 6 The lost self Since this dynamic began, or ended, how connected do you feel to yourself?

Fully connected. I know exactly who I am. Slightly wobbly but mostly intact. I recognise myself less. I have lost ground I need to get back. I do not recognise myself at all. I am not sure who I am outside of this.

Question 7 Where you are right now Which of these best describes your situation today?

We're still together. I'm trying to make it work. We're on and off, or I'm still hoping things will change. It's ended, but I can't stop thinking about him. I've been out for a while, but I still don't feel free, and I don't know why.

Question 8 What is the impact of this dynamic costing you? Tell me in your own words.

Before we begin. Give me your name and email so I can send your results straight to you the moment you're done.

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Whatever it's costing you, you don't have to feel like this anymore.